oh the irony!

Much like getting a mustache tattoed on the inside of your pointer finger, timeless wit is in style. Of course, by timeless wit, I mean permanently inking a gag into your skin. What’s that? You want yet another way to tell everyone you’re smart, quirky, and most likely ride a fixed-gear bicycle via fashion?

The Lone THREE Wolf Moon T-Shirt!

3wolfer

Just think back to grade school… you may have owned one. Funny how with age, though, the creepiness of the wearer increases dramatically.

creepchart

Notice that in high school you become considerably more creepier wearing  your wolf (or any animal drawn in the same fashion) shirt. You rise to serial killer/shoot-up the office guy status at 25 still wearing one of these. Notice, though, at 35 you become just a treehugger and no one gives a shit anymore.  You’ll probably wear these for the rest of your life at this point. Case closed.

Don’t leave the final word up to me, though. Let’s hear some reviews from THREE Wolf Shit buyers:

7,863 of 7,929 people found the following review helpful:

By B. Govern “Bee-Dot-Govern” (New Jersey, USA) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

Dual-function indeed, B. Govs.

915 of 949 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Why can’t Amazon have more stars? 5 ain’t enough!, May 6, 2009

So I’m looking for threads that say, “Hey baby…I’m real boss!” when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major…but three???

I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird. I immediately removed my “No Fat Chicks” shirt, and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH.

I’ll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shrit; suffice to say, I’m swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say “shirts”, since I now own 23 of them).

More:

5.0 out of 5 stars This shirt is 100% 100% awesome, but side effects only 57.9% awesome, May 27, 2009

This shirt is 100% 100% awesome. When wearing it I can run faster, chug more beer and be 100% 100% awesome.

However, I wore it once during the full moon on an Indian burial ground. Now I have three Indian spectral wolves following me around. I thought it was sweet at first, but it is hard to watch NASCAR with the wolves howling all the time.

shirt – 100% 100% awesome!!

spectral Indian wolves only 57.9% 57.9% awesome

Feel free to read all 749 reviews here.

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Comments
4 Responses to “oh the irony!”
  1. ZeroPower says:

    lol.. graph reminds me of something id see on http://www.graphjam.com

    True about the wolf shirts. That, and those damn shirts with huge flames running across are 2 big pet peeves

  2. Uri Baruchin says:

    Fantastic reviews, I should surf obscure Amazon products more often.

  3. Jilly P says:

    OWWWWOOOOOOOOO!!

    (that’s my wolf howl of approval.)

  4. Mike says:

    Some of these reviews are as amazing as the product itself.

    One of the owners actually responded to some of the reviews with his own review.

    In response to the one star post by Go Down, Moses:

    By Go Down, Moses
    So I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

    However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I’m beginning to believe that some of the benefits —- as described by other reviewers —- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

    Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

    There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

    Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on “One Day at a Time.”

    So I guess the jury is still out.

    The Mountain says:

    We at The Mountain do not guarantee that you will become a magnet for super models. There is no governing the fate of one man to secure the kindred love of a like-minded mate for life while baying at the moon on a warm Summer’s night; to the man who wears not the 3 Wolf Moon and stumbles through life on a path of loneliness of one forgotten by the mortals he walks among.

    To be asked upon a vision quest would require a more appropriate attire of which can be searched on Amazon. Something more along the lines of Flight of the Shaman or One Family are sure to gain you access to these ancient rituals performed by our country’s true founders. To be part of the family you must have the ancient key and proper wardrobe.

    We feel that your rating of 1 star is unwarranted as we make no claim to the hook-up as stated above nor do we guarantee a vision quest invite by wearing a wolf shirt. We will however take up the involuntary urine expulsion case and add it to our long list of Mountain shirt wearing miracles and try to file an NDA with the FDA because we are sure that this is a problem for many folks of your ripe old age.

    If you find yourself in a position such as that again, we recommend removing the shirt from your torso and fashioning a diaper. The thickness of our shirts and the 100% cotton will prove a fantastic level of absorbability and for that we feel we deserve at least 3 stars from you.

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